once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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