I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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