he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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