Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
