I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
