yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
