she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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