I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my shit smells like andre
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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