All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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