I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
