Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
