So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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