why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
