i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
