U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
