Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
