I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
