As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
