mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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