Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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