I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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