my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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