All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
