How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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