I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
