just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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