He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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