You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
