if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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