i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
