i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
