my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
