This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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