Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
