there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
