Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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