I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
