I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
