I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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