I think my vagina is haunted
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
