We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
