Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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