I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
