whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
