I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
