Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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