I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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