how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize