While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you inspire me to be a worse person
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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