All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think i got beer on your cat.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
