I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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