I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How does one acquire holy water?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
