I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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