He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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