I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
