If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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